One of my favorite images of Belle and Adam together
In just a few days it will be September 22. On that day in Salem, Massachusetts in 1692, was the final day of execution in which eight victims were unjustly hanged for witchcraft. I would like to take this post in memory for the poor and wronged victims who lost their lives to the hysteria and corruption that plagued Salem, either having been executed, or perished in prison.
"Kuzco’s Confectionary Factory of Fun"
"Chapter Eight: Kuzco’s Chamber of Royal Oddities"
Moving onward, Kuzco leads Prince through a secret steel door that slides upward, revealing an incredibly long escalator. Not paying any attention to Prince tagging along behind him, the emperor just silently steps onto the moving ramp.
A spiel plays on a continous loop, politely reminding, “For your safety, please watch your step and hold tightly onto the hand rail. Thank you!”
Kuzco glances down at his wristwatch sundial, scowling in agitation. “Jeeze, would you look at the time? I need to round up the dance troupe again into rehearsal tonight. Can’t BELIEVE how out of step they were in that last number!”
"Uh, so Kazazu," Prince taps the emperor on the shoulder, "what’s the next big surprise in store for us now? Was wondering how you were going to pick me off next like all the others?"
"Huh?" Snapping out of his distracted daze, Kuzco turns his head back to face Prince, not the least bit interested. "Oh, yeah, the old codger. Forgot you were still here. Well, as the only remaining guest, I guess you won…"
"Won?!" The obnoxious prince beams ecstatically, puling his hand down in a triumphant fist pump. "YE-AH! What did I win?"
"Hey! You got a free VIP exclusive tour, hosted be yours truly," the narcissistic emperor sniffs haughtily. "You should be grateful that I even bothered to take the time out of my busy schedule for all of you."
Prince shoots Kuzco a volcanic reddening glare. However, a sudden thought instantly creeps across his mind, and soon he beams a confident grin. “Hmm, you know Kuzzy…it would be a terrible shame if somehow your soon to be profitable candy tourist trap were to be…oh, I don’t know…the center of some big government conspiracy.”
The emperor narrows his eyes down into a piercing glare. “Only if some people don’t keep their mouth shut…”
"Particularly in the incidents involving four certain royal monarchs AND harboring potentially dangerous machinery AND supplying menial wages for your employees."
Kuzco frowns in suspicion. “What’s your proposition?”
"Now, I hear money is a fantastic silencer…"
The emperor strokes his chin, thoughtfully, with a wry smile. “You’re not as senile as you let on, old man. Perhaps we can work out some sort of arrangement…”
In that instant, the moving ramp levels off and becomes a flat speed walkway. They ride past a series of open glass windows, showing off a glittering and flashy gift shop. All manner of Kuzco paraphernalia fills the store: plushies, posters, bobbleheads, etc.
Glancing over at the shop, an idea pops into Kuzco’s scheming head. “Hmm…okay, geezer, how’s this for a deal? You won’t say a word, and I’ll give you a complimentary fifty dollar gift certificate for anything in the store.”
Prince’s jaw drops in disbelief at the proposal. “You’re trying to bribe me with a gift card? For craptacular merchandise?”
"But you could get a doll of me! Or a bath tub toy set, featuring ME!…And cookies shaped like my face!"
"Until I see some gold, I’m afraid I can’t guarantee my mouth is going to remain shut…" the greedy prince grins diabolically.
" Look, how about…"
Popping up from behind them on the moving walkway, one of Kuzco’s guards clears his throat for attention. “Um, sir, I hate to interrupt the attempted blackmailing, but you may want to come down to the lab. The rest of your other guests are waiting to see you.”
The crafy emperor impishly grins. “Oh, this should be good…”
"The others…I thought they were all dead!" Prince pouts. "Well, now I’m slightly disappointed…"
"Now, now…" Kuzco pats the the whining prince consolingly on the back. "Don’t be too down in the dumps, old man. We haven’t seen what kind of condition they’re in, yet…"
A few minutes later, Kuzco and Prince make their way down to the emperor’s hidden control room. In reality, it is in fact Yzma’s old laboratory, complete with tables full of her neon concoctions in beakers and vials. Some modifications have been made to overhaul the workshop, most notably the presence of a wall of enormous black and white television monitors. Each screen gives a view of one particular room in the factory.
A brightly colored vault door slides open, as a guard marches out to greet both Kuzco and Prince.
"We don’t have time for that now!" the emperor interrupts. "Just haul ‘em out here!"
"Uh, yes, sir. The first one we found in the marshmallow mixing vat. Unfortunately, I think he was left in there for a bit too long…"
A pair of guards come marching out the doors, with a very gooey Phillip trailing behind…or at least, what can be assumed to be Phillip. He is completely covered from head to toe in puffy white marshmallow gloop, with only a pair of tiny little eyes and a mouth emerging from the hardened sugary paste. He has now become a literal marshmallow man.
In a deep booming voice, Phillip mutters from beneath his new gooey form, “MARTTTTTTHHHHMAAAAALLLOOOOOOW!!”
"The marshmallow appears to have actually fused onto him permanently from all the mixing," the guard informs.
"IIIIIFFFFFTTTTHHHH FULLLLLLTHHHHHH MARRRTTTTHHHMALLLLOOOOWWW!"
"Oh my god, did it like, seep into his brain?!" Prince grins, as he snorts and guffaws. "Please tell me it did!"
"Huh…" Kuzco, not in the least bit surprised, mutters. "Well, I’m guessing even polish remover won’t ever get that gunk off. Who else have you got?"
At the opposite end of the control room, the entire stone wall drops down like a drawbridge. A team of more than fifty guards roll the enormous Beerberry Adam into the chamber, causing him to make loud sloshing noises along the way. The blueberry beer filled fruit has grown since he was last seen, now taking up more than three quarters of the entire laboratory.
Adam tries to call out through his fat rounded cheeks with a muffled “MMMMPPPPFFFHH!”
Immediately, Prince erupts angrily at the sight of Beerberry Adam still in one piece. “Wait…you said he was gonna explode! You lied to me! I wanna see him explode!”
"Whoa, chill out there, Chernabog!" Kuzco tries to calm him down.
"You promised me he was gonna bust like a watermelon against pavement!"
"Eh, I lied," the emperor shrugs. "There isn’t even any keg room at all. He’s just going to be a huge, fat beerberry for the rest of his life."
Adam simply rolls his eyes over the curves of his puffy cheeks, lazily accepting his new rotund berry self. “Mmmmph?”
"Hey, it’s not so bad. You can now say you have a well-rounded personality," Kuzco snorts at his own pun. He pats the side of the beerberry’s enormous belly, making it bounce and slosh. "And you can rent yourself out as a gigantic bounce house! People all over the world will want you for their birthday parties!"
The sound of a distant clanking noise immediately draws the attention of everyone in the room. Accompanied by a guard, Eugene makes his entrance through the vault door. The source of the clanking is now evident, as the thieving prince has been transformed into a living statue made of rose colored rock candy. Even with the low lighting of the laboratory, the candied prince still sparkles and shines. As he walks out, Eugene marvels over himself, witnessing the light bounce of his gleaming rock coating.
The emperor rubs his temples in exasperation. “Uhhh, you guys wanna tell me how this one happened?”
"…Actually, sir, we’re not really sure," the guard replies with a clueless shrug. "We managed to pull him out of the refinery machine, and found him already like this. Nearest we can figure, is that the heat glued all the rock candy to his body."
"This is stupendous!" Eugene preens over himself. "Look at how gorgeous I am! I want to steal myself! Oh, oh! And look at this!" He flashes a smolder, causing his face to shine like a diamond and create a glorious rainbow prism. "Isn’t that amazing?!"
Lastly, Milo is dragged out kicking and screaming by a number of guards, who try in vain to calm down the hyperventilating king. His head still remains the size of a pea, and he continues to babble in a squeaky chipmunk voice.
"…because everything is so huge now!!! It’s all out of proportion!! How am I going to write any papers?! I can’t even read a single letter without getting a neck cramp! Oh jiminy, I feel nauseous! WHY DO I FEEL SO NAUSEOUS?!!"
Kuzco grins, slightly amused by Milo’s panicking antics. “Couldn’t find a way to change him back, huh?”
"Actually, we didn’t even really try," the guard chuckles. "We all got so sick of his complaining, that we just decided to dump him back out here."
"How could you do this to me?!"Milo whines in his nasally helium voice.
"Meh, just for laughs," Kuzco grins. "You amuse me…like a tortured monkey."
"But…but, I’m a king!"
"Hey, what’s that?" Prince sarcastically puts a hand up to his ear. "Why, it’s the sound of me not being able to hear a whiny know-it-all…"
The emperor’s eyes now pan slowly across the room, taking a good look at each of the transformed princes. He strokes his chin thoughtfully, “Now comes the question though of what am I going to do with all of you?”
"You know, Kuzzy," Prince clears his throat, "I believe I could come up with a solution for said problem…that is, if you’re able to meet my arrangements…"
"All right geezer, I’ll level with you," Kuzco frowns, crossing his arms. "What’s your price?"
"50% cut of all your profits."
"WHAT?! No way, old man! Look, I have…" In a flash, the emperor stops in mid-sentence as a devious thought pops into his head. He beams with a cunning grin. "You know, on second thought, perhaps we may be able to work out something after all. Just lay your idea on me, grand-daddio, and then we’ll talk…"
"Okay, so we…"
Prince pulls Kuzco closer in, whispering into his ear. The other altered princes all try to listen, however, they’re only able to decipher a few hushed words. After another minute, the emperor nods in agreement with the elder monarch, and they pull away from each other.
"What do you think?" Prince smugly asks.
"Brilliant idea! I love it!" The egocentric emperor claps in childish excitement. "And you know what? As a reward for your genius plan, I would like to give you this complimentary piece of taffy." He pulls out a cellophane wrapped wad of green taffy from his pocket, handing it over to Prince. "I’ve been saving it the whole tour, just as a special gift for you…"
The wisecracking royal leans back, his eyes squinted in suspicion. “This is on the level, right?”
Kuzco pats Prince on the shoulders. “Of course, old buddy! You’re not like those batch of losers over there,” he motions his head over to the other bratty transformed princes. “As the oldest member of royalty, you have such reverence…such highly esteemed judgement, that I respect you! And do you honestly think I would do anything so horrendous to my new partner in crime, huh?”
"Yes, you would."
"Oh, just shut up and take it!" With an annoyed sneer, Kuzco shoves the wad of taffy into Prince’s mouth.
"Ooom, I’mmadie!" the mouthy monarch tries to wrench the sticky candy out, however soon finds it sticking fast to his teeth.
"Oh, don’t worry, it shouldn’t yank out your dentures."
"Hmph fmoooph?!" Prince desperately tries to speak through his clenched teeth, yet eventually realizes that the taffy is making his jaw stick together. "Nuf arufh mauth?! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHH!"
He jumps up in down in anger, fists waving madly, as he attempts with all his might to speak clearly. The other princes just all start to smile and laugh at the jerky tyrant’s predicament.
"It’s my latest invention!" Kuzco beams. "I call it Sticky Jaw for Talkative Jerks. After all, we can’t have you going around blabbing about my terrific idea, and taking the credit for it…”
Prince continues hopping up and down in a rage. “AAAARRRRRR! MUAR RAFREAF REUFNB MARSISNH!”
"Besides, there’s no reason to sweat. It wears off eventually…after a couple of months. In the meantime, I’m sure Snow won’t mind feeding you all your meals through a straw," the emperor playfully tweaks Prince’s nose. "Enjoy!" He calls out to his loyal crew, "All right guys, you know the drill!"
For the final time, the guards all start to form a dancing circle, this time around the irate Prince. To the tune of the ominous music, the guards all go into song once again:
We have a story just for you!
Just shut up, and listen to us!
What do you get when you talk like a jerk?
Spouting off insults with a stupid smirk.
Gabbing about bawdy lies and smut,
You need to keep your big trap shut!
Such a noisy little twerp!
No more words from the mouthy troll!
And we can enjoy the silence, too!
With a kronk-a-lunka, zip-a-dee-doo!”
Marching forward, the guards link their arms around the infuriated Prince, dragging him off through the vault doors.
Kuzco now turns his attention once again to the transmogrified princes. “Men, I think it’s safe to say I’m at an advantage here. So, it’s proposition time. How would you…” clasping his hands together, he points at all of them, “all like to be…STARS! Out of the princesses’ shadows?”
Mallow Phillip, Berry Adam, Gem Eugene, and Peabrain Milo all exchange glances at each other. They seem to exchange a silent nod between them.
Eugene rolls his wrists with a crackling noise. “Go onnnn….”
A few weeks later….
Kuzco stands outside the entrance to his candy factory, under a large candy striped canopy proclaiming “Emperor Kuzco’s Chamber of Royal Oddities.” Old Victorian sepia toned posters flank the walls of the factory, showcasing his star attractions within.
The emperor wears a little straw hat on his head, while waving a bamboo cane at crowds walking by.
"HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, FOLKS! Step right up! This way to see the most amazing sights that you could possibly ever witness! Marvel at ‘Mallow Man - the only prince to ever have been made completely out of gooey delicious marshmallow! Take a gander and a bounce on the incredible Beerberry. Filled with 100 percent pure blueberry beer, he takes the county fair prize every year for biggest berry to ever exist! (Only 50 bucks a bounce on his belly!) Gasp in awe, as you witness the Amazing Gemstone - the most precious and highly appraised rock candy man in the world! (10 bucks for sunglasses rental, as his shine may cause temporary blindness.) And of course, the amazing Peabrain! Never has so much knowledge been crammed into a brain so tiny! Be astounded as he can solve any mathematic equation you volunteer. It’s all yours to gawk at, for only 80 bucks a pop! HURRY ON UP!"
The transformed princes now live both the life of luxury and stardom, daily meeting onlookers in their own private tents. And thanks to a steady income from Kuzco, all four receive a more than generous salary. However, their biggest benefit is that each of them are now rewarded with their own personal notorierty. The factory’s gift shop is filled with t-shirts and toys featuring the royal oddities, including Mallow Phillip pillows, Gemstone Eugene’s line of jewelry, and Beerberry Adam plushies and bouncy balls.
Prince, on the other hand, was unceremoniously sent home after the tour, where he continues to remain silent from the stick jaw. Just a few days later, Kuzco receives a splendid fruit basket delivered to his door. Attached to the gift offering, is a simple card inscribed:
"Kuzco’s Confectionary Factory of Fun"
"Chapter Seven: The Incredible Shrinking Peabrained Milo"
Kuzco takes off his surgical mask, and leads Prince and Milo in their trek through the tunnel. As they press onward, the floor starts to incline steeper and steeper, until they reach a dead end at a rocky wall.
The emperor sputters impatiently, glancing at his sundial. “All righty, so let us get on with the rest of this shindig, because the two of you are now starting to take up too much of my precious time.” Clearing his throat, he continues, “Within this next room, houses some…”
"What room?" Prince blurts out. "It’s just a rock wall."
Kuzco’s head begins to twitch in anger, as he grits his teeth in a restrained grimace. “IF YOU…WILL…LET ME…FIN-ISH, GRAND-PAAAA!”
Prince narrows his dark eyes in an icy glare, wishing to throttle the wisecracking candy man.
"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted…" the emperor goes on, "behind this wall lies one of the most dangerous rooms in the entire factory."
Milo timidly pipes up, “Uh, are you sure that it’s safe then…”
"Quiet, Skippy! I’m sure you’ll love it! It is in here that I keep locked up all of the technology in my plans for world conquuuuuu…I mean candy making! Yes!" Kuzco coughs nervously at his little slip up, darting his eyes suspiciously back and forth. "Yes, new candy making technology! Every piece of machinery you have seen today is slapped together in here and tested."
Waggling his eyebrows, the emperor tantalizingly leans over into Milo’s ear, “Many of which, even the greatest scientists have never seen before…”
With a slack jawed grin, the tattooed king twitters in nonsensical excitement. “Jiminiess Chrismy! Jasmany Chrisimy! Jiminy Christmas!”
"I take it you want to go in then, after all?" Kuzco cunningly beams.
Squeaking with a happy little trot of excitement, Milo nods his head enthusiastically.
A chuckle in his throat, Prince observes under his breah, “I’m starting to see a certain pattern here…”
Kuzco slides open a panel of fake rockwork, revealing a complex looking control board and the inside of a hollowed out mold of his face. He places his face inside the embedded mask, alarming a quiet dinging noise.
"Access granted. Welcome, Emperor Kuzco!"
With a deafening grinding stone sound, the entire wall slides open, allowing the group to enter. They step into a very sterile gray room with many odd contraptions all buzzing and whirling about, all overseen by Kuzco’s guards. Their functions range from flashing multiple colors to stretching taffy, to malfunctioning and billowing out black smoke. Most peculiarly, a number of objects around the room appear to be of miniature size, such as a desk and an armchair the size of a dollhouse.
Kuzco ushers the two princes past all of these contraptions, not bothering to identify them, and instead leads them to a menacing looking gadget in the back of the room. Shaped like a telescope, its main feature is a laser gun ray attached to the very end, pointed to a pedestal upon which sits an average sized gumball.
"What are you planning on doing with that poor innocent gumball?" Prince mockingly chides.
"This, me buckos, is an invention that will revolutionize my profit margin!" the confection making emperor boasts proudly. "Now lately, sales have been dropping in the gumball department. But instead of completely cutting off its production, my crew here has constructed this laser beam that will solve all of my problems! I call it the Incredible Colossal Hyper Beam Burning Laser of DOOOOOOM! HAHAHAHA!…." His face now a monsterlike beacon of evil, Kuzco quickly reverts back to his normally smug self. "Or just The Laser for short."
Slightly unnerved, Prince raises an eyebrow and takes a step backward. “Um, yeah…soooo, what does it do?”
"Watch carefully!" The emperor spins around, calling up to a guard working the controls at the other end of the laser beam, "Okay, Charlie! Let her go!"
The guard clicks the machine’s main switch on. With a loud humming noise, the tip of the beam glows a burning red and starts to shake violently. As the noise intensifies, a bright green laser shoots out of the machine, taking direct aim at the gumball. In a blinding flash, the gumball magically shrinks down to the size of a pea.
Mouth agape, Milo stares at the gumball in utter fascination. “Jiminy! Incredible!”
"Okay, so it’s itty bitty," Prince crosses his arms, not the least bit impressed. "What’s the big deal?"
"DON’T YOU GET IT, OLD MANNNN?" Kuzco shouts into the cheeky monarch’s ear. "With this laser, I can control how big or small I want to make my product! I’m going to stuff bags full of candy with half the product at twice the price!"
The emperor turns to look back at his gumball, noticing Milo now tapping on it and hovering about it in circles like a curious hawk.
"Hey, Duke of Dorkdom! What did I tell you earlier about no tou-…" Quickly, Kuzco stops in mid-sentence, while a devious idea starts to dawn upon him. A menacingly knowing grin creeps across his face. He turns to face Prince, "In faaaaaact, this laser has the ability to not only shrink down candy to eenie weenie proportions, but almost anything else you could think of. Would you care for a demonstration?"
"Do I have a choice?" Prince half-heartedly shrugs.
"Not really," the egomaniac grins. Cooly spinning on his toes, he turns back around to yell once more at the guard operating the beam, "Okay, Charlie! Let her go again!" A smarmy tone now in his voice, Kuzco calls out to Milo, "Hey, Nerdlinger! You may want to step a few feet away from there!"
The curious geek slowly glances up, being stirred from his scientific stupor. “What for? I want to see this honey up close and personal when she…”
Instantly, the green laser shoots from the powerful beam, taking direct aim at Milo’s head. His his limbs failing about, the Atlantaen king shakes wildly as the laser continues to zap him. “HUWHAHAIUSLUAHUAABABAWUBBAUWHUAH!”
With a blinding neon flash, the laser beam now stops. A curling mist around the room slowly creeps in before eventually evaporating. As the fog recedes, a much changed Milo suddenly comes in to sight. His body still remains normal, however his head is now almost the size of a golf ball.
Prince sputters and bellows out a hearty laugh of pure hilarity, with Kuzco himself struggling to hold back a very amused grin.
"What’s so funny?" Milo warbles out. His voice is now squeaky and high pitched, sounding as if he has just inhaled a full tank of helium. The miniature headed monarch furrows his tiny brow in confusion. "Wait a minute…is that my voice? What’s wrong with my voice?!"
Kuzco shakes his head, “I told you to step back away from the beam…”
Clutching his sides, Prince lets out an even more uproarious guffaw. “BWAHAHAHAHA! Your head…your voice…it works on so many levels!”
Milo curiously reaches one of his hands up to touch his face. Much to his shock and panic, he finds that the entire palm of his hand can now cover up his whole head. It looms over his itty bitty noggin like a giant skyscraper.
the king squeaks, starting to run around in panicking circles.”My head! What have you done to my beautiful cranium?!”
"Well, I guess I should be maybe held somewhat accountable for this one…” Kuzco groans in frustration.
Oblivious to everything but his own hysteria, Milo continues to run around in circles. “How am I going to speed read anything again?! All the font will look like billboards!”
Prince continues to howl away in amusement, as Kuzco once again strums on his little lyre. Kronk marches up to his side, however, this time the henchman is slightly exasperated.
"Another one, Kuz?" the burly sidekick sighs. "You know I wouldn’t mind it so much, but I was in the middle of baking this cake tonight for dessert.
The emperor gasps, beaming in glee. “The chocolate one in the shape of my face?”
"Yay!" Kuzco claps like an excited five year old, doing a little victory dance of joy. Suddenly, he takes notice of the screaming shrunken headed Milo running on by. "Oh, yeah. Can you just get a couple of the other guys to take Peabrain here away?"
"Uhh, okay. But what should we do with him?"
"I’unno," the emperor shrugs. "At this point I really don’t care any more. Just get him out of here."
"Aye-aye, sir!" Kronk does a dramatic little salute, and dashes off with a skip.
A group of guards now start to form an imposing circle around the hysterical Milo. The foreboding music picks up once again, as the ping pong ball headed king continues to run amuck. The factory workers dance in formation and sing:
We have a story just for you!
Just shut up, and listen to us!
What do you get with such a boastful IQ?
Thinking that no one knows better than you.
Gabbing about how you’re so well read.
Letting your ego fill up your head!
Such an annoying know-it-all!
No one listens to a windbag!
Take a course on humility, too!
With a kronk-a-lunka, zip-a-dee-doo!”
Closing in on him, the guards grab the panicking Milo by the arms and drag him off through a pair of automatic metal doors.
"Kuzco’s Confectionary Factory of Fun"
"Chapter Six: Eugene Goes Down The Chute"
Kuzco guides the group across the expansive laboratory to the opposite end. In the corner rests a dingy looking pair of gray elevator doors, covered in a thick coat of dust. A line of coal miner hats, complete with high beam lights attached to them, hang on a coat rack next to the elevator. The emperor comes to a halt in front of them, and turns to face his remaining guests.
"Now, for the next leg of our little junket, we’re going to be heading down to the deepest level of the factory. The lighting is kind of bad down there, so I guess it’s probably somewhat important you probably wear one of these helmets."
Kuzco puts on his own miner’s hat before strapping on a surgical mask over his mouth. Eugene, Milo, and Prince all stare at him uneasily.
Prince narrows his eyes at the emperor. “…I kind of get the feeling you’re not telling us about something…”
"Nawwww, what? This?" Feigning innocence, Kuzco points to his mask. "This is just for fashion purposes."
The emperor then proceeds to push the button for the elevator. With a high rusty squeak, the doors shudder open to reveal a rickety iron cage lift.
With a spring in his step, the candy making monarch strides into the elevator. “Come on, everyone! Hop aboard!”
"Uh, is there an emergency exit nearby…?" Eugene darts his head about the room.
Meanwhile, Milo and Prince both put their miner’s hats on and apprehensively enter the creaky elevator. Eugene however, still doesn’t move.
"Hey, Klepto, move it!" his face in an annoyed scowl, Kuzco pokes his head outside of the lift. He enticingly leans over and whispers into Eugene’s ear, "There’s lots of shiny things down here…"
From hearing these simple words, Eugene’s eyes grow wide as saucers with a mischievous twinkle. “Shiinnnnnnny…” In an avaricious stupor, he quickly jumps inside the elevator, his fists squeezed in excitement.
"Smart lad!" the emperor grins. "Here we go!"
Kuzco pushes the elevator button. With a jostling shudder, the doors screech shut, and the lift makes a wobbling descent. As it plummets down, it precariously lists from side to side, grinding against the shaft. Occasional sparks fly from the impact, and the dim fluorescent lighting flickers on and off.
Milo, a total bundle of nerves, clings tightly to Prince with a horrified squeak. “Eep!”
The mouthy monarch shudders in total disgust. “Get off me, geek!”
With a struggling shrug, Prince pries Milo off of him. Still twitching, the Atlantaen king now desperately clings tightly to Eugene tightly like Rapunzel, wrapping his arms tight around Eugene’s chest. The bandit just sighs and tiredly tolerates it, shaking his head. Kuzco chorkles at the sight, suppressing his own amused giggles.
After what seems to be an eternity, the elevator finally lands at the bottom of the shaft with a jolting crash. The doors creak open, and the emperor beamingly blocks the entryway.
He stares with a smirk at Milo, “Ladies…” and then turns to Eugene and Prince, “and gentlemen, welcome to Rocky Candy Mountain! And no, the jails aren’t made of tin around here, so don’t get any ideas.”
Kuzco steps aside to reveal an enormous sparkling cavern before them. Rock candy of all different colors are embedded in the cave’s walls, sparkling under the dim lighting. An army of guards are hard at work all around the rocky grotto; digging with pick axes and shovels, they scrape the candy off the walls, later collecting them in wooden mine carts. The group steps out of the elevator and make their way into the enormous mining site.
"Wait, this isn’t a mountain," Milo lectures. "Strictly speaking, this is much more along the lines of what we call…"
Seething with impatient rage at the king’s inevitable interruptions, Kuzco whirls around. “LOOK, GEEKY! WHO’S EMPEROR OF THIS FACTORY?! IF I WANT TO CALL IT A MOUNTAIN - I’LL DAMN WELL CALL IT A MOUNTAIN! SO JUST SHUT UP AND ENJOY YOUR FREE TOUR!”
With a know-it-all-ish finger still extended in the air, Milo immediately clamps up and puckers his lips into his face. He very slowly slinks to the back of the group behind Eugene and Prince.
Collecting his composure, Kuzco strolls over to the center of the cavern, leading the group onward. “Now initially I wanted to hire dwarfs for this job, but you know…unions, pfft. So anyway, I constructed the next best thing…The Rockanizer!”
He points to an impressive mechanism located in the center of the cave. Guards in a constant procession pour mine carts full of the rock candy onto a continuous conveyor belt. The belt then carries the cargo up a steep incline, where it dumps the haul into a large round bin. Situated right next to it, is the opening to a metal chute sticking up out of the ground.
"So it’s just a fancy sorting machine?" Prince scoffs.
Kuzco narrows his eyes, and speaks through gritted teeth, “Well, if you want the SparkNotes version, sure! But it’s the candy here that’s really super-magnifico!”
"Why?" Eugene shrugs. "It just looks like any average dime store rock candy."
"Oh ho ho, you poor simpleton!" the emperor mockingly laugh. He gives Eugene’s cheek an annoyed pinch. "Do you think a shrewd businessman like moi would waste his time on something so cheap? No, this kind of rock candy is made of only the most specially formed crystals. In fact, one chunk of this candy has been appraised as being the same value of five diamonds!"
Eugene’s jaw drops open, completely stupified.
Kuzco continues boasting, “Only the most wealthiest suckers are able to even afford it. I charge ‘em thousands by the box!”
As the pilfering prince looks at all the crystals around the cave, a trickle of drool hangs from his mouth, salivating at the virtual goldmine in front of him.
A wide-eyed Prince, noticing the froth, very slowly backs away. “Uhhh, you okay there, Iggy?”
Snapping out of his money hungry stupor, Eugene shakes his head and blinks. “Wha…oh, yeah, yeah…”
Nonchalantly, Eugene wipes the drool away from his lips, vainly trying to maintain some dignity. Meanwhile, the wheels of his mind start to kick into high gear, and he starts to formulate a devious plan. He glances upward to his left and notices a creaky old pair of suspended mine tracks that run the length of the cavern. With a smug smile, the burglar sets his plot into action.
"Oh, hey, Kuzco! Do please tell us of the all important purpose that those load bearing timbers over there serve!" Eugene points to the opposite end of the room.
Distracting their attention, Kuzco, Milo, and Prince now all look in the opposite direction.
"Pfft, first of all, those are not timbers - they are called buttresses,” the emperor scoffs. “And they…”
While the egomaniacal candy man begins to lecture, Eugene takes this moment to cooly sneak over to the tracks. Making a nonchalant fake yawn, he raises his hands high up in the air. With a quick grab, he yanks one of the loose screws from the track.
In an instant, the tracks creak and groan, immediately beginning to collapse. The destruction soon sets off a whole chain reaction, tipping over and spilling mine carts in its path of devastation.
"THE HELL’S GOING ON?!" Kuzco screams, turning around to witness the chaotic demolition. "MY PRODUCTION LINE!!!!"
The furious monarch, Milo, and Prince all frantically race over to witness the ensuing pandemonium. Dozens of guards are now scrambling every which about the cavern, attempting to control the situation. Eugene now seizes his golden opportunity, and sneaks his way over to the Rockanizer unseen.
Hoisting himself up over the conveyor belt, the sticky fingered thief dives into the bin of collected candy. Opening his vest, he quickly starts to load up his pockets with every piece of wealthy confection he can lay his hands on.
With a sickeningly smug grin, he proclaims, “Oh, yeah! Who’s the man? Why, it’s me! Mr. Eugene Fitzherbert!”
All of a sudden, the sound of an annoyingly loud horn starts to buzz. Without warning, the tub of rock candy starts to shake and ever so slightly list forward.
"Woah, hey! What’s going on here?"
The thieving prince clings tightly to the rim of the bin, while the container now fully tips over. It dumps all of the rock candy contents down into the opening of the chute next to it, disappearing into the darkness below. Eugene, still clinging on for dear life, flails helplessly suspended over the seemingly bottomless shaft.
"AHHH! CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE?!…LIKE NOW?!"
Briefly collecting himself over his mild panic attack, Kuzco, along with the others, spin around to see the plundering monarch dangling in peril.
The emperor, not the least bit surprised, cheekily smirks. “Well, that didn’t take too long.”
With his arms growing tired, Eugene keeps precariously swinging about. “GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!”
"My, this is quite the conundrum," Kuzco strokes his chin thoughtfully. "Not helping a pilfering thief who went behind my back to steal profits from me, or…no, I think that’s the option I’m gonna go with."
One by one, Eugene’s fingers slowly start to lose their grip on the bin. “Look, I have this vicious little… frog thingy! I can sic him on you!”
Kuzco simply responds by giving him a silent deadpan stare.
"He killed a woman once!" the kleptomaniac shouts back. "WAAAHOHOOHAA!" Sliding off the slippery container, his one hand falls loose, now forcing him to dangle by only one arm.
Prince balls his hands into fists, pumping them up and down, and starts to chant, “PLUM-MET! PLUM-MET! PLUM-MET!”
His forehead dripping with sweat, Eugene strains to pull his other arm back up as he holds on with the other.
In a moment of blind fury, the thief manages to pant out, “SHUT UP….YOU LITTLE….” Unable to hold under the strain, his other arm slips, and Eugene plummets down into the chute below. “DWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEB!”
"Tsk, tsk…" Kuzco shakes his head. "They’re just dropping off like flies today, aren’t they? Well, I guess I should do something about it. Don’t want him clogging up the refinery machine…"
"Refinery machine?" Milo curiously asks.
"Yeah, all the rock candy that gets dumped into that chute goes straight into the refinery machine. And then right after that into the gem blaster."
"So Klepto’s gonna get fried up, then?" Prince half snorts in sadistic glee.
"Oh, no, no, no!" Kuzco feigningly reprimands him. "Well…there is maybe a small chance of that happening. Actually, it’s more like a very big chance of it happening. I mean, if he doesn’t jam up the refinery machine first." The emperor scowls. "In which case, I’ll be billing Mr. Sticky Fingers for all the damage he does to it. Either way, he’s going to have a fun little journey, eh?"
Just as before, Kuzco pulls out his little lyre, running a quick strum over the strings. The ever obedient Kronk is attentively summoned.
“‘Nother problem, Kuz?” the dimwitted henchman assumes.
The emperor pretends to gasp in shock and claps happily. “Good boy, Kronk! Here you go!”
Kuzco tosses his lackey a spinach buff biscuit, to which Kronk eagerly catches it in his mouth.
"We have a certain looter who fell right down into the refinery machine," the emperor points to the open shaft with his cane. "See that he doesn’t jam it up. I don’t want to have to waste my moolah for new parts again."
"You know, I hate to be a killjoy," Milo interrupts, "but if you could show me the exit, I think I’d like to be heading out now…"
"No can do, Tattoo Twerp. The only way to the exit is if we go forward!" In a flash, Kuzco flips into a menacing bipolar freak out, shouting, "NOW FORWARD MARCH!"
The emperor starts to lead a jumpy Milo and a wide eyed Prince towards a long tunnel leading out of the main cavern. On their way out, the emperor snaps his fingers in the air.
"Sing it, guys!"
Right on cue, the ominous music starts up, with a group of guards starting to dance in perfect choreography. They circle and sing down to the open chute:
We have a story just for you!
Just shut up, and listen to us!
What do you get when you plot and you scheme?
Tempted by all that does sparkle and gleam.
Hoarding more gems than you ever will need,
Stealing only for your own greed!
You’re just Aladdin 2.0!
Now you’ll be a boulder with a stupid smolder!
You’ll be appraised as valuable too!
With a kronk-a-lunka, zip-a-dee-do!”
"Kuzco’s Confectionary Factory of Fun"
"Chapter Five: Adam the Beerberry"
Kuzco begins, “This next room is one of the most important places in the entire factory…”
"Is it as charming as that janitor’s boiler room we lost Phil in?” Eugene snorts out.
"I’m just going to ignore anything you say for the rest of the tour." Kuzco turns his attention to the others. "Now then, this is what I like to call the ‘experimental room..’"
The emperor turns to Prince, and screams in his face. “THE EX-PER-I-MEN-TAL ROOOOOOOOM!”
Prince responds with a deadly glare.
"Which means everything in this room is under wraps and top secret," Kuzco goes on. "I’ve got my eye on you, Klepto!" He points to his own eyes and then at Eugene.
The emperor then turns his attention back to everyone. “And just a reminder, that everything in this room is most likely highly unstable…So I want you all to have fun! And remember, if…”
Kuzco stops in mid-sentence, as his focus is now drawn to Adam at his left. The revolting beer bellied prince is preoccupied with picking his nose, while he scratches his gut again with his other hand. Kuzco curls his lip up in disgust.
Even after noticing the awkward silence, Adam blissfully still has his finger up his nose, while he keeps on scratching his paunch with the other hand. He looks puzzled at the others. “What?”
Kuzco shudders and mutters under his breath, “You can’t be picked off soon enough…”
"Digging for an Everlasting Gobstopper there, Incredible Bulk?" Prince smugly wisecracks.
Adam slowly turns to give Prince a silent glare.
Kuzco guffaws in amusement. “Good one, Grandpa! Nice to know senility hasn’t dulled your sense of humor.”
Prince’s temper now reaches a boiling point. “That’s it! Now look ya little shrimpy…”
"I give you, the Experimental Labs!"
Kuzco shoves the double doors open to reveal an enormous warehouse. All around the room, groups of guards are busy overseeing all manner of heavy machinery decorated in vibrant colors of blue, orange, yellow, and red. From the contraptions, occasional puffs of smoke and steam billow out, as many of them make loud grinding noises.
"See, now this is where you make your biggest mistake," Eugene snarkily lectures. "You have this magical sounding place called ‘The Chocolate Room’ and yet it looks like an iron mill. Now your ominously described ‘Experimental Labs’ looks like some kind of fanciful funagorium…"
In a flash, Kuzco whacks Eugene upside the head with his cane. “OWWW!”
With an expression of feigned innocence, the emperor puts a hand up to his ear. “Funny, did you hear that? I think I almost heard something…”
Strutting ahead, Kuzco leads the group on over to a large copper colored machine in the corner of the room. It’s shaped like a large round tub, with numerous dials and gauges all over the front of it. An enormous beer tap sticks out in the middle of it.
"Now, let me acquaint you with some of my more favorite whirlymabobs you’ll find in here. This is our brewery mixer, where we store all of our new experimental flavors of Kuzconian Triple Flavored Beer. "
Simultaneously, Eugene, Milo, and Prince all let out a marveling, “Ooooooh!”
Meanwhile, Adam’s eyes immediately go wide, as his mouth hangs open in awe. He stares at the mixer transfixed, and starts to lick his lips.
"Today we’re mixing our newest brew - blueberry," Kuzco continues. "It’s still in the experimental stage, but it’s gonna be so sweet that it’ll make pure sugar taste like pig vomit!"
Enticing him further, Adam’s eyes grow even wider, as his large belly starts to rumble.
Milo just cocks a disturbed eyebrow at Kuzco. “…How do you know what pig vomit tastes like?”
The chocolate making emperor shifts eyes. “…Now if you’ll follow me over here…”
Kuzco pushes on and leads the group to another machine around the corner. As soon as everyone is out of sight, Adam seizes his chance and twists open the tap to the brewery mixer. He sticks his head directly under it, sloppily chugging down the blueberry beer into his spherical gut.
Meanwhile, the group stops in front of an enormous yellow machine. All manners of levers and pulleys cover the front of the machine, gyrating at a frantic pace. From the side of the noisy contraption, a constant stream of jawbreakers ride out on a conveyor belt in front of them.
Milo, geekily bedazzled by the complex workings of the machines, reaches out a hand to touch one of the pulleys. “Fascinating. It must have taken…”
Kuzco whacks his hand away with the cane. “AHHH! MONKEYFUDGIT!”
“Years to develop this thing!” the emperor bellows, “and you, Mr. Busta-Flying-Fish, would wreck it in thirty seconds. NO TOUCHY! Now this little baby here is producing what I like to call the Tooth Smasher…the world’s first indestructible jawbreaker. No matter how much you’ll…”
Abruptly, Kuzco stops speaking to take a look at the group, noticing that something is amiss. “Wait a minute, where is Sir Belch-A-Lot?”
The emperor turns his head around the corner, and not the least bit surprised, discovers Adam guzzling down as much of the blueberry beer from the mixer as possible.
"Hey, Mpreg Belly! I wouldn’t do that if I were you!" the chocolate maker calls out with a disinterested sigh. "That flavor of beer hasn’t really been tested yet…" He casually glances at the sun dial on his wrist. "Is it past noon, already?"
Adam takes a break from his chugging and moves himself away from the tap. His face is now an even more repulsive mess, being completely soaked from his gorging, with beer also stained all over the front of his sweatshirt.
"Pffft, what’s the worse that could…BRRRAAAAP!…happen?" the booze guzzling pig snaps back. He heedlessly shoves his face back under the tap, and continues his hoggish drinking.
Kuzco casually mentions, “Well, considering the berries used for that beer were treated with unstable chemical ingredients, I’d say quite a bit…”
Milo, utterly baffled, pipes in. “Uh, why would you even put chemicals on your fruit?”
"Hey, poindexter - I’m corporate head honcho. Do you think I oversee every little itty bitty bit of production that goes on here?"
"Well, morally speaking…"
"…the hell is happening to his face?!" Prince blurts out.
With Prince’s comment, everybody draws their attention to Adam still chugging away at the tap. His face is now starting to turn a bright shade of glowing blue. The rest of the color spreads all over his skin to his neck, hands, and even his hair until he’s now a brilliant glowing blue from head to foot.
Adam takes a moment from his piggish chugging, now noticing that all of their eyes are upon him. He takes his mouth off the tap.
"What’re you all….BRRAAAAP!…staring at?" he belches out. The glowing blue color of his body now slowly darkens to a more purplish hue.
"Congratulations, you’re a Smurf!" Eugene chuckles.
"What the hell are you talking…" As the paunchy prince wipes the beer off of his chin, he now looks down and notices his hands and the rest of his body are a dark blue. "…I’m blue?! Why am I blue?! What’s happening?!"
Prince snickers and points at him. “Can’t blame this one on the Enchantress, Booze Bag!”
Kuzco casually buffs his fingernails on his tunic. “I told you it was in the testing phase. But noooo, we had to heed the call of the bottomless tub, didn’t we?”
The emperor reaches over and gives a sharp poke with his cane into Adam’s beer gut. With the jab, a loud rumbling and sloshing noise emits from his corpulent stomach, erupting in a booming…
With his defeaning belch, Adam’s gut suddenly swells up and expands to the size of a large bouncy ball.
Eugene’s jaw drops open in surprise. “Whoa! He just went from having a keg baby to a full sized tanker!”
"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!! With another belch, Adam’s belly blows up once again, making it nearly quadruple in size. He furrows his blue brow in confusion, looking down at his ballooning belly. "What the hell is happening?!"
Kuzco just simply ignores Adam’s question directly and speaks casually to the other princes, as if he’s the narrator of a National Geographic special. “He’s filling up with the blueberry beer. It’ll turn him into a big, what I like to call, ‘beerberry.’” A very self satifisied smile beams across his face. “I made that term up myself. Clever, innit? But, with how large ol’ barrel belly was to begin with, who knows how big he’s gonna get. I’d suggest we all just sit back and enjoy the show!”
Prince grins in malevolent glee, while Milo curiously walks up to the bulky blue Adam. His eyes wide in scientific amazement, the Atlantaen king studies the burgeoning beerberry with a scholarly expression, before whipping out a small notepad.
"Absolutely fascinating…" Milo mutters, in the midst of beginning to scratch down notes.
Adam continues to erupt into a constant barrage of booming beer belches. With each noisy burp, his belly swells up larger and larger, as the rest of his body begins to round out. His stubby arms and legs absorb into his body, with his cheeks blowing up to the size of balloons, causing his mouth to close shut. In a few moments, he has become an enormous round berry full of blueberry beer, with helpless flapping hands and feet, and a rounded squished face. He continues to blow up to gargantuan proportions, now taking up almost half the size of the laboratory.
Milo curiously strolls up closer to Adam, giving a thumping knock with his knuckle to the beerberry’s stomach, causing it make a loud sloshing noise.
The giant berry struggles to speak through his bloated cheeks, but all he can muster is a “MWFAWHFHAWHAFAWH!”
"Well, I think that’s enough public humiliation," Kuzco smirks. "He’s plenty ripe, so let’s roll ‘im out!"
Whipping out his tiny little lyre once again, the emperor gives it a quick strum. Popping right up behind him, Kronk appears ever dutifully.
"Yo, my man!" Kuzco greets his henchman, before pointing to the gigantic Beerberry Adam. "Think you can handle this?"
Kronk squints his eyes, deep in strained thought. “I thinnnnnnk we may need a couple more guys for the job, but we’re good!” He winks and gives a giant thumbs up at the emperor.
With a fake smile of pure joy, Kuzco flashes him a dorky thumbs up back. “Aces!”
In the midst of all this, Milo still continues his studious notepad scribbling. “What are you going to do with him?”
Kuzco shrugs, “Eh, I think we’ll just roll him down to the keg room.”
"To tap him."
Eugene amusedly snorts. “Good night, everybody!”
"I mean they have to put a beer tap on him," the emperor informs the others. "Otherwise he’s just going to keep on belching and swelling up with blueberry beer until he explodes."
Overhearing this, Beerberry Adam panics through his swollen cheeks, flapping his useless hands. “MFHWAHWHAHWHWAFWAWAH!”
Prince cackles in sadistic delight. “So are we going to need ponchos then? Like, are we looking at a Splash Mountain level soaking here?”
In an instant, a group of fifty guards from around the room all huddle in front of the enormous Beerberry Adam. With a great heave, they all shove him on his humongous belly, toppling the giant berry on to his back. Creepy harpsichord and tuba music starts to play again, as the guards take turns rolling him repeatedly back and forth. They start to sing another song.:
We have a story just for you!
Just shut up, and listen to us!
What do you get when you’re a rude disgrace?
Chewing and belching in someone’s face.
Stuffing your mouth full like a dumb glut.
Chugging more beer into your fat gut!
Your beer belly could feed a whole frat kegger!
You’ll always be a pot bellied slob!
You’re still a beast, without the fur ‘do!
With a kronk-a-lunka, zip-a-dee-boo!”
With a musical flourish the song ends, and the guards only just now start to roll the massive Beerberry Adam to the other end of the laboratory.
Kuzco apathetically glances at his wrist sundial. “Uhh, guys, he has only 15 minutes to be tapped before he explodes. And since you just wasted 3 minutes singing, he now only has 12 before he goes ka-booms.”
The berry flaps his helpless hands once again in a panic, and struggles to speak through his balloon sized cheeks. “MMMMMMPH!”
Prince now doubles over, hysterically laughing in evil pleasure.
Eventually, the guards roll Beerberry Adam on over to an impressive cargo loading door. They attempt to push him on through, however the gigantic booze filled fruit soon sticks fast in the door frame. After spending a good minute of shoving against Adam’s round derriere, he finally pops free. The guards roll him on out of the room, as the enormous Beerberry Adam makes loud sloshing noises all the way.
There’s an awkward silence amongst the group, until…
"Soooo, if he doesn’t explode, can I take him back to the Atlantaen Museum for research?" Milo begs with an eager grin on his face.
Kuzco puckers his lips up in thought. “That’s a pretty big if there, buddy…”
With a raised eyebrow, Eugene leans over and whispers to Prince, “Between Milo and Kuzco’s lack of empathy, I can’t decide who’s the biggest sociopath…”
Completely oblivious, Prince has been sniggering to himself the entire time. “Huh, were you talking to me? Sorry, I was still laughing thinking of Berry Boy’s fat ass wedged in the door.”
"Well, now that we’ve lost our barrel bellied, booze belching beerberry, shall we roll on? ” Kuzco giggles to himself at his own pun.
"Kuzco’s Confectionary Factory of Fun"
"Chapter Four: Kuzco’s Psychedelic Tunnel of Fun"
Kuzco pulls down on a large stone lever resting next to the doors. They part open to reveal a small, roller coaster car like vehicle on a track in the middle of a blank, dark room.
"For the next part of our tour, we’re going to be cruisin’ along in style!" the emperor informs the other princes. "Gentlemen, take your seats, and secure yourselves tightly! Cause this is gonna be one hell of a roarin’ ride!"
Kuzco straps himself inside in the back of the car, as Adam, Eugene, Milo, and Prince all take their seats ahead of him.
After a few seconds, Prince’s eyes widen when a certain realization dawns upon him. “Wait a minute, there aren’t any seat belts up here!”
"Yeah, those pesky budget cutbacks again," Kuzco shrugs off. "But that’s what those hand rails are for!"
"Hand rails?" Milo’s voice cracks in alarm. "But I thought you said that…"
"Here we go!"
A pleasant sounding female voice announces over an intercom, “Please remain seated, keeping your arms and legs in at all times.”
With a whiny mechanical squeak and a crunching lurch, the car slowly propels forward, going no faster than 5 miles per hour.
Eugene sighs, rolling his eyes. “Booooring…”
Instantly, the car plummets down a steep drop into the black abyss below. The other princes scream and hold on to their hand rails for dear life, as Kuzco, safely secured, throws his arms up in the air, giggling.
“WEEEEE!” the emperor shouts. “Faster, faster!”
Milo’s face slowly becomes a ghostly white. “I think I’m going to be sick…” He gags and starts to lean his head over into Prince’s lap.
"GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF!" Prince shouts in a panic, shoving Milo off of him.
In a flash, the entire room lights up all around them, revealing a tunnel full of psychedelic swirling neon colors.
Adam looks all about. “What the hell is this?”
"Reminds me of that time I ate those funny mushrooms in the forest…" Eugene quips.
From out of the swirling colors, familiar objects go randomly whizzing by. Steamboat Willie, complete with a 1920s era Mickey on deck, toots its whistle before wildly spinning about in circles and out of sight. A herd of Pegasi from Fantasia fly over their heads before disappearing in the spinning neon. Floating in midair, Mr. Toad is seen at the wheels of his automobile, popping wheelies. With a scream of “MOTAHCAHR!”, him and his horseless carriage further disappear into the cyclone.
"What does any of this have to do with candy?!" Prince furiously demands.
Adam burps out, “When is this technicolor hangover…BRAP!…gonna end already?”
A demonic red light suddenly shines across Kuzco’s face, giving him a twisted hellish appearance. He beams at them evilly as he chants in a hushed tone:
"There’s no earthly way of knowing,
When you’ll shut up with your moaning.
There’s no knowing if we’ll be slowing,
Or how long I’ll keep on droning.
Is it hailing?
Is it snowing?
Is Milo chunks-a blowing?”
Milo hurks and hangs his head over the side of the car.
"You all just keep on groaning,
So my fury goes on growing.
If seeds of discord you be sowing,
Then it’s out the window you’ll be going!
YES! You all just keep on moaning,
So my rage will go on blowing!
And it’s certainly not showing,
ANY SIGNS THAT MY TEMPER IS SLOWING!
Milo screams in a hysterical panic, “JIMINY CHRISTMAS! HE’S GONE INSANE!”
The red light under Kuzco’s face immediately extinguishes, and he goes back to his normal beaming self. “Nah, I’m just screwing with ya all. Stop the car!”
In a flash, the entire tornado of colors fades to black, as the car screeches to a whiplash inducing halt. The lights come up again to show the vehicle parked outside a pair of huge iron doors labeled “Experimental Labs.”
Adam, Eugene, Milo, and Prince are all still clinging on to their hand rails. There is a few seconds of stunned silence until Prince, in blind fury, screams…
"WHAT THE FARK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?! WHAT PURPOSE DID THIS SERVE?!"
Kuzco simply shrugs. “I had a few million left over, and thought ‘You know what would be cool? This Spinny Tunnel of Doom, that really has no purpose.’ I know it makes me happy!”
Eugene leans over and whispers to Adam, “I’m starting to think this dude has some psychopathic tendencies…”
The emperor glares furiously at the back of Eugene’s head. “Says the guy who stole the only remaining object a set of grieving parents had for their missing child…” He beams a self satisfied grin. “Now who’s the psycho?”
Kuzco flashes a strained smile across his face. “Come on, me compadres! We still have a few more rooms to stop and gawk in!”
The egomaniac unbuckles himself, and leaps out of the car, stopping in front of the large iron doors. Shakily, the other princes pick themselves up and follow their tour guide.
"Kuzco’s Confectionary Factory of Fun"
by Disney Dorks
"Chapter Three: Phillip Goes Up The Tube"
The group now huddles about in front of a huge impressive iron door.
"My fellow affluent amigos…" Kuzco announces proudly. "I thought we might perhaps start this little shindig by giving you all a peek at one the most outstanding rooms in my entire factory! I give you…the chocolate room…"
The emperor opens the door and reveals…a giant gray industrial mixing room. Steel catwalks zigzag all around enormous vats and pipes filled with chocolate, taffy, marshmallow, caramel, and any other kind of sweet confectionary. The emperor guides the group onward along the suspended bridges.
"I must say, I’m rather underwhelmed," Eugene sarcastically notes. "I pictured it being a lot more colorful, and filled with more…whimsy."
"Look, I just make chocolate here!" Kuzco shoots back. "Sorry if it’s not up to your maaaagical standards!”
Phillip interjects, “Yeah, but when you said it was outstanding, I thought maybe, you know, you had like trees with gummi bears on them, or a chocolate river. This just leaves me disappointed…and hungry.”
"Pfft, when are you not hungry?" Prince asks with a smirk.
Kuzco quips back, “Ah, Old Man River popping in with some commentary!”
"Is there going to be any…URP… beer on this tour?" Adam belches out. He scratches the side of his gut with a grin. "Or how about those chocolate covered pretzel thingies you make?"
"Hey, what’s with the giant freaks over there?" Prince points straight ahead.
Everyone in the group, except for Phillip, turn their attention over to a number of Kuzco’s guards suddenly walking across the catwalk in front of them. They haul wheelbarrows full of sugar and cream, and dump tubs full of chocolate into the vats below.
"Oh, those are just my loyal subjects," Kuzco sighs, completely uninterested. "They help to keep the factory running. Now, if you turn your attention…"
"Why do they have red and blue body paint all over them?" Adam asks.
"Meh, I just like primary colors."
"The hell?" Prince interrupts. "It sounds like they’re singing something."
Sure enough, Kuzco’s guards all come together to form a perfectly choreographed dance, complete with jazz hands and whimsical twirling. They begin in a chant:
"Come with me, and you’ll be,
In our world of Kuzco’s domination.
Where we work all day long,
With no money compensation.”
Eugene crosses his arms and looks confused. “Why are they singing?”
"They have to. Every 15 minutes," Kuzco beams. "Otherwise I throw them out the window if they don’t."
Milo furrows his brow. “Wait, isn’t this a form of slav-“
"MOVING ON!" Kuzco shouts. "Now if you’ll turn your attention over to this corner of the room, you’ll see….CHUBSY!"
Kuzco’s attention is now suddenly drawn to Phillip. The chunky prince is kneeling over the side of the catwalk, stuffing his hands full of melted marshmallow from one of the large vats, and shoveling the globs into his mouth. As he keeps on devouring more of the mallowy goodness, he leans further and further over the railing, with his big rump sticking up in the air.
Kuzco shields his eyes. “Euuugh, that’s a view I could have gone without seeing! Chubsy, get your paws out of there! That mallow goo shouldn’t be touched unless you’re wearing rubber gloves!”
"Don’t worry, Kuz," Prince reassures him. "I’ve got this." Prince marches over and gives Phillip a quick shove on his large duff.
"WU-AH-WHAAA!" the hefty prince cries out, as he topples over and falls down into the vat of marshmallowy goo.
Eugene glances over to Prince with a cocked eyebrow. “How the hell did that solve anything?”
Prince apathetically shrugs. “I didn’t say it would solve anything. It just amuses me.”
Phillip quickly re-emerges at the top of the vat, all covered in melty white gloop. “Help! Get me out of here!”
"First you couldn’t get enough of this slop, and now you’re saying you want out!" Prince shouts down to him. "Make up your mind!"
"When I-BLUUP!" Phillip starts, but suddenly gets sucked down under the coating of sticky mallow and disappears.
All that remains are a few bubbles of air on top of the gooey liquid. The others all look on in amazement.
"What’s happened to him?" Adam curiously wonders.
Kuzco just simply yawns and rolls his eyes. He nonchalantly picks a piece of lint off of his coat and flicks it away. “Looks like Chubsy going to go for a bit of a ride. The suction from that tube over there’s got him.”
A few moments later, Phillip, all covered in marshmallow goo, is seen slowly but surely being sucked up through the plastic tube. Prince snorts, then guffaws, pointing at the tube in sadistic giggles.
Eugene watches on in morbid curiosity. “How is that tube even big enough for him to go through?”
Milo puckers his lips in deep pondering. “Actually, judging by the calculations of the diameter of said tube, combined with the width of his rotund frame, I’d say he’s going to stick right aboooooooout….now.”
Right on cue, Phillip stops getting sucked up, as his girthful frame wedges him tight in the middle of the clear pipe. The chunky prince tries to wiggle himself free, but finds himself stuck fast.
"HAAAAALP! HAAAAAALP!" Phillip’s shouts can be heard faintly through the thick plastic tube.
Prince is now leaning over the railing, with tears in his eyes. “BWAHAHAHA! This is too priceless! I should have brought my camera today!”
"If any of you make a ‘sticky situation’ joke, I’m gonna punch you dead in the face," Eugene snaps in exasperation.
Milo clamps his mouth shut to hold back any witty retort.
Kuzco lets out a deeply annoyed sigh. “Well, I guess we better get Chubsy out quick before he holds back any more of the production line. We can’t be losing any more profits!”
The emperor whips out a tiny lyre, and with his hand, runs a quick strum over the strings. Immediately, Kronk seemingly pops out of nowhere right behind Kuzco.
"Yo, Kronk!" the emperor points to Phillip stuck in the tube, "think you can take care of this problem?"
Kronk whips out a toilet plunger from behind his back and gives a patriotic salute. “Don’t worry, Emperor Kuzco! I got this!”
Like an eager puppy, the henchman dashes out of the room. All of a sudden, creepy electronic harpsichord music starts to play, as the guards on the catwalk start to dance around.
Milo looks on, puzzled at the display. “What’s going on?”
"And what’s with all the…BRAP!…weird neon words starting to fly around our heads?" Adam blurts out.
Kuzco simply replies by clapping happily. “Oh, goodie! A song! I love songs!”
Phillip continues to wiggle helplessly about in the tube, as the stopped up marshmallow goo beneath him starts to build up pressure. It causes a crack in the pipe, while the guards all begin to dance around him and sing:
We have a story just for you!
Just shut up, and listen to us!
What do you get when you look like a whale?
Gorging down sweets as you break the scale!
Eating a meal that’s a triple sized course!
Straining the back of your poor horse!
1300 should be your year, not your pounds!
You should look into real estate!
Since you’re big as a house, too!
With a kronk-a-lunka, zip-a-dee-doo!”
Instantly, after the guards finish their song, the pipe cracks once again. The pressure of the backed up mallow suddenly erupts, shooting a screaming Phillip up the tube and out of sight.
Eugene looks up with his eyes wide. “…Well, that can’t be good.”
By this point, Prince now literally rolls on the floor in laughter.
"I guess Chubsy is in for a longer trip than I expected," Kuzco muses.
"Where does that tube go to any way?" Adam asks, while he furiously chomps away on his gum.
"How should I know?" Kuzco responds, not caring in the slightest. "There’s like over a hundred pipes and they all go every which way. I think someone told me once it was the baking room. Or the dipping room…or the boiling room, something like that…"
Milo gazes back up at the tube, peering over the top of his glasses. “Uh, is he going to be all right?”
"What do I look like, a doctor?" the emperor sputters. "I’m sure he’ll be fine. Besides, I’ve got Kronk on the case. Let’s just get along with this clambake, shall we? Vamanos, muchachos!"
Kuzco waves to the group and now leads them along the catwalk to the opposite end of the giant industrial chocolate room. They stop at a pair of shiny steel doors.
Um, shouldn’t we,” Milo chirps, “I don’t know, stop the tour and make sure Phillip’s okay? Kind of feels wrong to go on without him…”
Kuzco cocks a mischievous grin. “Okay, if you guys don’t want any beer…”
Adam’s eyes immediately go wide. “FREE BEER?!”
The tour guide glances casually down at his nails. “Oh, yeah. Free beer, some chocolate covered pretzel samples…But if you guys don’t want any…
Adam starts to waves his hand in the air. “No! No! We do! We do!”
"That’s the spirit, Keg Gut!" Kuzco grins. "Follow me!"
"Kuzco’s Confectionary Factory of Fun"
"Chapter Two: The Amazing Mr. Kuzco"
The big day has arrived!
Phillip, Eugene, Adam, Prince, and Milo all stand anxiously outside the large gates to the giant orange candy factory, surrounded by a mob of the press and other onlookers. The factory is covered with giant murals featuring famous works of art (Blue Boy, Birth of Venus, etc.) all with Kuzco’s face plastered on them.
The princes are dressed in their finest on this most special occasion. Phillip is outfitted in brown and white lederhosen, with a brown feathered cap upon his head. He’s already stuffing his face on a bag of Kuzconian Peanut Butter bars before even entering the factory.
Eugene is suited to the nines, with a white shirt and a very shiny lavender vest - containing ample hidden pockets to store swiped goodies. The thief flashes a beaming and cheesy smile as he waves to his throgs of screaming adoring fangirls. When he turns, the sunlight bouncing off his vest blinds several others in the crowd.
Adam is dressed rather slovenly in bright blue sweatpants, and a blue sweatshirt that clings snugly around his paunchy beer belly. He still hasn’t bothered to shave, and wears his hair in a sloppy manner, while chewing on a piece of gum loudly. A photographer snags a prime photo of the beastly slob giving his rump a scratch.
Milo is still dressed splendidly in his royal Atlantaen robe, revealing the bright tattoo on his shoulder. A golden sash is draped around him, giving a proud air to the scrawny know-it-all.
Prince merely wears a simple white hoodie with blue jeans.
A chime suddenly resonates from a distant clock tower. In an instant, the gates to the factory swing clear, as the two large stone entrance doors blow open. A giant red carpet rolls down the steps to the feet of the princes. Confetti suddenly explodes everywhere from the sky, while a number of girls in sequined leotards with feathers on their heads slide down the banisters.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" the showgirls announce triumphantly chant. "Honored princely guests! We give you…the one…the only….EMPEROR KUZCO!"
With a graceful twirl, Kuzco shimmies into the doorway. “BOOM BABY!”
Pulling out a tiny top hat and cane, the emperor does a little soft shoe dance down the stairs. The chorus girls provide lyrical accompaniment:
"Who can take your dull lives?
Make them seem just fine!
If you give him all your praise,
And build him a new shrine!
The Kuzco man!
Yes, the Kuzco man can!
Yes, the Kuzco man can,
Cause he thinks that you’re okay,
If you still worship him!”
With some agile sliding, Kuzco soft shoes his way over to the princes. He beams from ear to ear. “Oh yeah! So how was that for an entrance?”
"Thaw wath amazhein!" Phillip slodges through a mouthful of chocolate.
"Meh, personally I think it was a tad overblown," Eugene shrugs his shoulders unimpressed. "Seems like you’re overcompensating for something, Couscous."
The thief cockily quirks his eyebrow and sticks out his chest to show off the medal pinned to his breast pocket.
"Uh, yeah." Kuzco snorts back. "Like Mr. Broken Smolder here is going to give me lessons on over-compenstaion." He pinches Eugene’s new vest. "By the way, nice threads. Did Punzie get them for you, or did you steal it from an aging showgirl?"
Eugene clenches his teeth and opens his mouth about to say something.
Instantly, Kuzco interrupts, “Well, welcome to my factory I guess. Just remember, Klepto, if I find anything missing, I’m holding you accountable.”
The emperor makes his down the line to Phillip. “Hey Chubsy, how ya been?” Kuzco quirks his eyebrows as he examines the pudgy prince’s lederhosen. “Uhhh, nice short-shorts?”
Phillip proudly retorts, “They’re the traditional garment of my country…”
"Yeah, adorable," Kuzco responds, completely uninterested. "Just be careful with those buttons. Don’t want to put anybody’s eye out. And try and leave some chocolate for the rest of Europe today, will ya?" He pats Phillip’s arm. "You’re a great sport!"
Kuzco’s eyes now come upon Milo with a snort. “Hey Geeky, how’re you doing? Nice dress, you got there, Mia…”
"My name is Milo!"
"Yeah, now go find somebody who cares."
"Who are you to talk? Don’t you wear a skirt?"
"Correctumundo! It is a tunic. Very manly. Just do me a favor, bud, and don’t bend over today? I don’t need to see a full moon in broad daylight!” The emperor slams Milo hard on the back. “Ha! I love this guy!”
Milo’s face glows bright red, contorting into a mask of pure rage, as he clenches his fists. Completely unaware, Kuzco keeps walking down the line as he comes upon Adam.
Seemingly on cue, the pot bellied slob lets out a loud belching “BRRAAAAAAAP!” in Kuzco’s face. Adam repulsively just gives a smile of gross self-satisfaction and keeps on chewing obnoxiously.
Without missing a beat, Kuzco wipes away a fake tear from his face. “Ha ha, well now we know why you’re not Prince Charming. Hmmm, I think you’ll be Belchy. Or Beer Gut. Don’t know which I like better for you yet.” He reaches down and pokes Adam’s big beer belly. “So how many months along are you now?”
The slovenly prince furrows his brow. “Look, you little…”
"SHHH!" Kuzco tenderly pats Adam’s bulging gut, causing it to make loud sloshing sounds. "We don’t want to upset the keg baby!"
"I love this guy!" Prince guffaws.
His attention now drawn to Prince, Kuzco walks over to take full aim at the chuckling loudmouth. “Great to see they let you wander out of Shady Pines today, Grandpa! I’LL BE SURE TO TALK REA-L-LY….LOUD…A-ND….SL-OOOOW FOR…Y-OOOOOU? OOOOK-AAAAAAY?”
"I AM NOT OLD!" Prince cries out.
"No, no, no!" Kuzco pats Prince’s shoulder. "You’re just chronologically challenged! Now throw that walker behind and follow me!
The royal chocolateer turns his back from the princes and starts to mince up the steps to the main entrance. He calls back after them, “Come along, buddies! We have so little time and so much to see…Wait, strike that. Reverse it.
With a proud stride, Kuzco flounces inside. The other princes, their fists clenched and faces contorted with rage filled expressions, angrily trudge behind him. The crowd erupts in a roar of cheers as the doors close behind them and they enter the factory.
"Kuzco’s Confectionary Factory of Fun"
"Chapter One: The Search Is On!"
Married life wasn’t quite at all what the Princes thought it was cracked up to be. In fact, it was a rather entirely different picture of “happily ever after.” It had been some years now, and let’s just say that things have changed for them quite a lot.
*The Greedy Gobbling Glutton*
Phillip and Aurora were now the proud parents of four children - all girls of the tween age. Being the ever doting daddy (and dealing with the constant oncoming teenage angst of raising four young girls) the prince soothed his stress by indulging into gluttonous habits and binge eating. The hefty monarch had now ballooned to twice his original size, with his only main concerns now being more excuses to hosts royal banquets - mostly in his honor.
*The Selfish Stealing Sneakthief*
Meanwhile, Eugene’s marriage to Rapunzel had done little to reform his sticky fingered ways. In fact, it seemed to have quite the opposite effect - now being constantly surrounded by glittering finery, the thieving prince’s kleptomania problem spun out of control. Thanks to Eugene’s greed, almost every piece of gold, silver, and valuable material in the castle was now hoarded in their chambers. Even the exasperated King and Queen had stopped hosting balls all together, in fear of their son-in-law looting every guest.
*The Beastly Beer Bellied Bastard*
Ever the independent woman, Belle soon found a successful niche writing novels and newpaper editorials in the kingdom. However, Prince Adam was rather more discontent with his reinstated royal life. Having grown much accustomed to his slovenly ways as a beast, he reverted back to his original boorish manners. Now with a new fondness for chugging down stein after stein of beer and lazing around, the former beast prince found himself finely suited to the life of being a boozing beer bellied slob. Belle, however, was more than comfortable with running the kingdom single-handedly.
*The Egotistical Egghead*
Having graduated to being the King of Atlantis, Milo’s know-it-all-ness was just as annoying as ever. Once just a minor nuisance, it now infuriated the patience of both his subjects and advisors - to say nothing of Kida’s. Heedlessly believing every one of his proclomations would be the correct one, the pompous pencil necked blowhard frequently boasted proudly of his decisions. Of course, there were now talks of the occasional revolt to overthrow the crown - about which the King was naturally oblivious to.
And as for Prince and Snow White…well, life between the two was nearly unbearable. Having now her own successful cooking show, Prince soon grew to resent his wife’s success. This, coupled with the fact that Prince had always been a jerk plain and simple, especially to the other princes, left him finding sadistic glee in the misery of others.
Which brings us now to our real story - on this most special of days, where a royal proclamation has been sent to all the princes in kingdoms near and far:
On this most special of days, a royal proclamation has been sent to all the princes in kingdoms near and far:
"Greetings to all my princely pals. I, Emperor Kuzco, shall be holding a contest that will humbly select only five of you to attend a tour of my new up and coming tourist destination - Kuzco’s Confectionary Factory of Fun! This is where all of you come in. For my grand opening, I shall be holding a contest that will randomly select only five of my royal pals to be my special guests for a grand tour of my new candy digs. Just look for the special Golden Kuzco coins hidden in all brands of Kuzconian Special Treats. Kuzconian Special Treats - remember, if it doesn’t have my face on it, then it’s not worth eating!"
Over the next couple of days, the search is on! And our royal friends are all abuzz over the announcement of this exciting news…
Phillip is seated in his castle’s banquet hall, at the foot of a huge dining table, where lie the remains of a four person meal - all for him. He’s now consuming his dessert, shoveling as much Kuzco Brand Double Whipped Ultra Melty Chocolate Explosion Cake as he possibly can into his plump face. Suddenly, the portly prince stops and begins to gasp and choke. With a cough, he spits out a shiny and now soggy Golden Kuzco coin.
"Wow, a chocolate coin!" he exclaims and takes a hard chomping bite on it. "Ow! Wait a minute…this is a real coin! What kind of a rip off is this?"
He peers his small eyes closer upon it, and gasps in astonishment “A Kuzco coin?!”
Morning, in the pantry of Eugene and Rapunzel’s castle. Eugene Fitzherbert, along with several members of the kitchen staff, are furiously ripping open bag after bag of Kuzco Shaped Potato Chips.
"Come on, there’s gotta be at least one in here!" Eugene cries out, as he takes a bag and rips it open to shreds. All of the potato chips fall out, along with the faint sound of a jingling coin. His eyes go wide. "…THAT’S IT! WHERE IS IT? I KNOW I HEARD IT!"
The thieving prince gets on his hands and knees, sifting through the sea of greasy Kuzco chips. He finally spots a glimmer, and with a shot, grabs it off the floor.
Eugene laughs deliriously in triumph, “HA HA! YES! I’M RICH! I’VE GOT A KUZCO COIN!”
"Uh, but sire," the royal chef interrupts, "you’re already wealthy beyond…"
"Don’t spoil my moment, Pierre."
Adam is laying slumped down on his chair in the study. About a dozen empty beer steins are lying all sprawled around him on the floor. His pants and stained shirt are both slightly unbuttoned, showing off his fat rounded beer belly. He gives his gut a scratch as he lets out a deafening drunken belch of “BRRAAAP!” A five o’clock shadow and some scruff is starting to show a bit on his face.
"Belle," he calls out, struggling to hold back another burp. "Can you get me another beer?"
Meanwhile, Belle is over in the corner at her desk, writing furiously away. A pair of tiny black rimmed spectacles are perched upon her nose.
"Get it yourself!" the bookish princess shoots back. "I need to finish up this editorial for the paper tomorrow."
"But I’m still..URP!…thirsty! And if I have to be gawked at by another one of those tour groups coming through here, I’m gonna need another beer!"
"I said, get it yourself, you lazy fat ass! I can’t miss this deadline!"
Adam lets out a grumpy sigh and groan. “I guess I have to do…BRAAAP!…everything by myself around here.”
The paunchy prince pitifully reaches over the arm of the chair and grabs another stein of Kuzconian Triple Flavored Beer off the tray. He takes a huge swig, and downs it all in one giant chug. Feeling something in his mouth, he suddenly spits back out a gold coin.
Milo, dressed in his full Atlantean royal robe, calculates furiously on an old turn-of-the-century typing machine. Piles of papers are scattered about the floor and on his desk. He has weary bags under his eyes from staying up all night, as he wears a little green accounting visor around his head.
"So, let’s see," he calculates. "Devised by the number of possibilities and outcomes, from amongst the pool of variables, and the stock and supply and demand of said product…"
He scribbles furiously, and then types some more. “Let’s see, we just carry over the two…subtract that from the other variable and then square it…NO! Cube! Yes, cube it!…And thus, we reach the single solitary conclusion! It must be in this bar!”
Milo grabs a Kuzconian chocolate bar from a pile sitting on his desk. He tears it open, and out clatters the fourth Golden Kuzco coin.
His eyes glimmer in excitement, holding the coin up. “Jiminy Christmas! Oh yeah! Who’s cooler than carbon dioxide now?
Kida pokes her head inside of Milo’s study, with a discerning sigh. “Are you talking to yourself again?”
Strolling along in the marketplace, Eric happens to bump into Prince along the way.
"Hey, Florian! Look!" the sailor happily exclaims, holding up a gleaming coin into the sun. "I found one of the Golden Kuzco coins! Looks like I’m gonna get to go on that factory tour after all…"
"Hand it over, fish lips!" Prince growls and leaps through the air, crash landing on Eric. Prince pins him down, and wrestles the coin out of his hands, before running off with it, cackling in glee.
"Who’s got a golden ticket now, squid brains! HA HA HA HA!"